A Tale of 2 Cities
abbreviated & modernized by guest blogger: Chuck “Gas Plant” Dickens, great great grand-nephew of the original author
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
–Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
Our bellies are full from Thanksgiving, there’s a chill in the air, and it’s that time of year time when the good citizens of Denton gather ’round the proverbial fire to hear a certain universally beloved Christmas tale about a greedy and selfish old man who miraculously redeems himself to his community in the end. This year, however, I have chosen to share with you today an equally timely but infinitely more realistic Dickensian classic, A Tale of Two Cities. There is nothing redemptive or inspiring about it, I’m sorry to say, but the good news is that it is still unfinished. You own it, my fellow citizens; it’s your story; and its ending is—or at least should be—entirely up to you.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was 2015 in Denton, Texas. Denton Municipal Electric (DME), the city’s publicly owned electric provider, had unveiled its long-anticipated plan to follow through on citizens’ requests for more renewable energy and a divestment from coal. That was the “best of times.” The “worst of times” came in the form of DME’s plan to build two new natural gas plants for “back up” to the tune of $250 mil. for land and construction costs alone –and in a town that voted to ban fracking and was $150 mil. in debt to a coal plant. Those times, I am sorry to say, are still here. So is that $150 mil. of debt still owed to the coal plant.
Meanwhile, over in the state capitol, the city of Austin was up in arms over Austin Energy’s similar plan for $500 mil. new gas plants (twice the cost and size of Denton’s, if you’re doing the math), and for identical reasons: backup for renewables (necessary because, according to the patronizing mantra of its most enthusiastic advocates, “the sun doesn’t always shine and the wind doesn’t always blow”), and to meet the demands of population growth and urban expansion. People from both cities, Denton and Austin alike, were asking the same skeptical questions, raising the same reasonable objections and viable alternatives, and receiving similarly evasive and condescending answers—that is, when they were lucky enough to receive any answers at all.
But why, dear readers, are these two cities’ tales so strikingly similar? The answer, or at least part of the answer, is that both cities were relying on two of the same thoroughly biased entities for advice: a non-profit statewide coalition called TREIA (pronounced ‘tree-uh,’ an acronym for the admirably green-sounding Texas Renewable Energy Industry Association) and a for-profit private energy consultant Navigant, both of which specialize in promoting partnerships between renewables and natural gas, and in recommending ‘renewable energy + gas plant’ combos to Texan municipalities and energy providers.
To begin, let’s take a look at TREIA whose website boasts that they “provide longstanding credibility and extensive knowledge and experience that the industry, media and the general public have come to rely upon” (LINK). My own electronic and face-to-face communications with the head of DME and an Austin Energy specialist (respectively), confirmed my suspicions that both cities’ electric providers were among those entities reliant upon such “longstanding credibility and extensive knowledge and experience” from TREIA. In response to an email inquiry I sent under my actual birth name (which is not Chuck “Gas Plant” Dickens, but something far less impressive), Phil Williams of DME kindly wrote: “In answer to your question, yes, I and my staff have had multiple conversations with TREIA. They have asked, and we have agreed to participate in their upcoming meeting.” So TREIA was somehow at least partly responsible for both cities’ similar energy proposals.
But why would self-proclaimed energy specialists go out of their way to encourage the media and general public to build new natural gas plants at a time in which the science and economics are turning away from such outdated fossil fuel infrastructure? The answer, I discovered, is that it is precisely in these economic “worst of times” for fossil fuels that the natural gas providers, investors, consultants, and mineral owners who make up a good part of TREIA’s membership, board, and sponsors, are most in need of a helping municipal hand. By tying the sinking ship of natural gas to the rising star of renewable energy, TREIA does not prioritize the needs of citizens and municipalities but works instead to benefit the gas providers, investors, and mineral owners whose businesses they promote, and on whose behalf they convince cities and energy providers of an imaginary and pressing public “need” for natural gas plants in an increasingly pro-renewable and anti-fossil fuel market.
But the natural gas industry is not the only special interest group to benefit from the services provided by TREIA, which bills itself to potential new member organizations as a “strong network of industry leaders” that “connects you with the heart of the renewable industry and opens the doors to invaluable business associations” (LINK ). Wind and solar providers also stand to gain from the matchmaking services provided by TREIA, which connects these forward-looking green companies to the old money and political connections of oil & gas wheelers and dealers tripping over themselves to pose for photo ops with windmill and solar panel backdrops, and who can’t rush fast enough to invest in and join forces with their hip new renewable BFFs before what’s left of their money and power blows up and disappears into the ether like methane from a fracking site. It’s an arrangement that benefits both parties financially and politically. “We truly are better together,” gushes one of the website bullet points under the heading “6 Reasons to Join TREIA Today” (LINK). From a business perspective, TREIA is a mutually beneficial May-December dating service connecting old gas money with attractive and virginal young renewables. But such matches will likely turn out to be shotgun weddings from hell for the municipal citizens left tending the toxic, costly, and long-lived bastard gas-plant products of these unlikely unions.
At TREIA’s November 2015 conference in Houston, DME and Austin Energy were joined by “Key executives from ERCOT, the Independent System Operator of 90 percent of the Texas grid, as well as every major utility in the state, renewable energy companies and other key stakeholders [who] will participate in the event’s full slate of panel discussions and talks” (LINK).
Participants ran the gamut from old-fashioned oil & gas folks like MAS Field Services, which “provides land services to the oil, gas and renewable energy industries” (LINK), to identity-crisis companies like AMSHORE US Wind LLC, which describes itself on the TREIA website as “primarily focused on oil and gas exploration,” but eager to rebrand itself in a more politically correct fashion: “In addition to oil and gas, AMSHORE is involved in the renewable energy field with over 190,000 acres of wind energy leases in Texas” (LINK).
The keynote speaker at the event was John Hofmeister, “founder of Citizens for Affordable Energy and former president of Shell Oil,” an odd choice for a green-sounding conference attended by Earth Day representatives, the resource planning and integration manager of 100% renewable Georgetown, and a representative from the Sierra Club. An outspoken advocate of fracking, Hofmeister has been spending his retirement years appearing on television news programs apologizing for Big Oil & Gas (LINK) and publicly criticizing New York Governor Andrew Cuomo for supporting the state’s recent fracking ban (LINK). You’d never know it though from his description on the TREIA conference agenda as “founder of Citizens for Affordable Energy” and “a champion of sustainable environmental policies and security” (LINK). Most likely, TREIA’s description of Hofmeister as “a champion of sustainable environmental policies” is likely an allusion to the fact that Hofmeister is one of the few oil and gas moguls to acknowledge on record the reality of global warming (LINK ), a fact that hardly makes Hofmeister a bold environmental leader, but qualifies him instead as a savvily self-preserving follower. After all, why continue to deny the way the proverbial wind is blowing, the logic goes, when you can earn the trust of an increasingly environmentally conscious public and gain points over the competition at the same time by simply resetting your fracking coordinates accordingly and riding those new winds and your oil & gas business all the way to the bank? In other words, Hofmeister’s simultaneous acknowledgment of global warming and denial of the hazards of fracking is not self-contradictory but strategic: Yes, global warming is real; but rest assured, my fellow environmentally conscious citizens, the enemy is not natural gas but coal. If that argument sounds familiar to you, it’s because public officials in Denton and Austin have swallowed it hook, line, and sinker, and are repeating it to their citizens in defense of the gas plants they’re hoping to force on them.
Hofmeister and TREIA have every right to exist and to say what they want, of course, but cities consulting with them for energy advice are the municipal equivalent of those parents who choose to rely on the toll-free number on the back of an infant formula bottle or baby-food jar for advice on their child’s nutrition. Neither TREIA nor the baby-food and formula companies are working in citizens’ best interests; they’re there to sell us a specific product. But unlike licensed pediatricians, they always have clear and simple answers for even your most difficult questions. After all, why bother with the hassle of setting up an appointment with an actual doctor when the formula companies are right there knocking at your door, introducing themselves to you, and providing you with attractively simple, fast, and easy short-term answers to your complicated long-term problems?
The analogy also applies, though somewhat differently, to the energy consulting group Navigant. In Navigant’s case, the role of the parent dialing the number on the back of the baby-food jar is played by the city of Austin, who then passes on the formula company’s advice to their younger cousin Denton, the latter city being understandably unmotivated to make the call themselves when the advice they’re seeking for their baby is of the one-size-fits-all variety.
Like most Dentonites, I first heard of Navigant from city councilmember Kevin Roden, who has been touting Navigant’s advice to Austin as proof that building new gas plants is without a doubt the best solution to Denton’s renewable energy needs, and that no further outside consultation is needed—in spite of the calls for direct and unbiased outside consultation coming from a number of citizens and from two other city councilmembers, Kathleen Wazny and Keely Briggs. On November 18, Roden seemed to be declaring citizens’ pleas for outside consultation moot when he re-tweeted an Austin American Statesman article entitled “Austin Energy Should Build a New Gas Plant,” accompanied by the commentary, “Some are calling for a ‘consultant’ to study Renewable Denton Plan, just like Austin. Result of Austin’s consultant:”—followed by the Austin Statesman headline and a link to the article. Among the three Roden Twitter followers who “hearted” that tweet was Ed Ireland, Executive director of the Barnett Shale Energy Education Council and notorious local fracking apologist.
Although Roden and Ireland had once been on opposite sides of the Denton fracking debates (Roden had established the citizens’ advisory council on natural gas that evolved into the Denton Drilling Awareness Group [DAG] and supported their effective fracking ban campaign during his second run for office), Roden surprised his constituents by switching tactics early on in his second term by leading the call to repeal the fracking ban on city council in response to HB40, endorsing reduced fees for gas providers, and defending a weakened gas well ordinance that greatly reduced the minimum distances between gas wells and residences.
But who is this consulting firm on whom both cities are relying, directly and indirectly, for advice on their TREIA-approved new energy proposals? Navigant consults on a variety of matters, but their work on fracking and natural gas is one of their specialties. As their website explains:
The oil & gas industry landscape is experiencing a major global shift. The tempo of the industry dynamics has never been faster and stakes have never been higher: Natural gas markets are transforming into truly global markets through advances in hydraulic fracturing and liquid natural gas (LNG) transportation. Competition from alternative energy sources continues to intensify as the result of regulatory environments and technological advances in solar, wind, distributed generation and energy storage. Inextricable links to geopolitical issues in a globally connected real-time world are causing scrutiny at greater levels than ever before. Sustainability is not just a matter of balancing safety, health and environmental performance against operating and commercial performance. Each must be achieved fully to ensure long term survival.” (LINK)
In other words, their position on natural gas is identical to TREIA’s: fracking and sustainability are both equally positive endeavors that can, and should, go hand in hand.
But why would a private energy consultant recommend such a fiscally and environmentally dubious marriage of gas plants and renewables to publicly owned municipal electric providers? To serve their own clients of course, who, as their website boasts “come from every part of the oil & gas industry” (LINK). Like their doppelgangers in TREIA, Navigant serves not only the oil & gas industry, but renewable providers as well. As their section on renewables explains, the focus of Navigant’s work for renewable companies is “advising on building renewables into the energy mix to meet renewable energy goals and portfolio standards” –in other words, linking renewable solutions to natural gas. Similarly reminiscent of TREIA (and of TREIA’s keynote speaker, former Shell president John Hofmeister), Navigant acknowledges the realities of global warming but identify coal rather than all fossil fuels as part of the problem, boasting of the environmental advantages of natural gas over coal. Echoing Hofmeister, they are also overt apologists for fracking, concluding their statement on “Fracking in America” with the industry-boosting claim that fracking is “an innovative development out of the independent natural gas industry that provides better options in the future for all of us”
All of this, dear reader, is to say that we and our representatives on city council should consider both TREIA’s and Navigant’s advice on natural gas and energy policy with the same caution as we would a gas plant salesperson’s. But what advice did Navigant give Austin Energy besides a thumbs up on their TREIA-endorsed plans to build new natural gas plants to supplement their renewables? Although I do not yet know what DME got from their conversing and conferencing with TREIA, Navigant’s advice to Austin Energy is all over the papers:
When Navigant ran the various scenarios, it basically showed that either a new combined-cycle gas plant at Decker or an additional 500 megawatts of wind capacity make the most financial sense, though Navigant managing director Dan Bradley noted that there were no major cost differences between gas or the various renewable energy options. (LINK)
In other words, dear reader, even a natural-gas-loving consultant like Navigant believes that wind and renewables are equally financially reasonable, at least in Austin. So why build the gas plants at all if citizens would prefer not to invest their futures and finances in the methane emissions, water contamination, and explosion hazards that come with new gas plants and the accompanying increase in fracking, transportation, and waste storage? The answer, according to Navigant, is the “potential” risk of “transmission congestion” that would come from receiving power from the grid as opposed to a local gas plant serving only the city:
another factor that can impact cost is “transmission congestion,” which basically is the impact of removing power generating sources in Austin Energy’s load zone — the Decker gas plant and the Fayette coal power plant — and replacing with energy generated outside the load zone. That potential cost impact is anywhere from $152 million to $172 million. Navigant noted that a gas plant would help “mitigate” this risk. (LINK)
But wouldn’t a local wind farm or solar farm help to “mitigate” any potential “transmission congestion” just as effectively as a local gas plant would? After all, the purely hypothetical risk of transmission congestion is run by outsourcing energy of any kind; so any kind of local energy would serve to mitigate that hypothetical risk. So why the thumbs-up endorsement of the proposed gas plants? When you read the Navigant articles closely, and consider the clientele they serve, they sound less like “proof” and more like rhetorical “spin.”
It makes sense, then, that, as that same tweeted Statesman article notes, Sierra Club representative Dave Cortez “criticized some of the methodology and conclusions in the report,” expressing to the Austin commission his belief that “Navigant didn’t seriously study energy storage and demand response options. ‘Even though we view the Navigant study as incomplete…it is important to acknowledge that based on our initial review, there is no slam dunk for a new 500-megawatt gas plant’” (LINK). Mr. Cortez is correct, thank goodness. The tweeted article maintains that Austin city council’s verdict on the Navigant report is still out. Navigant has not yet reported their findings to council, and is still receiving input from the Austin citizens they represent (LINK).
Fortunately the verdict is still out in Denton too. Unfortunately, however, our city council in Denton appears to be in more of a rush to decide on this $250 mil. investment than their peers in Austin. All but two of our councilmembers are content to rely on an oil-&-gas-friendly consultant’s advice to another city rather than taking the time to find an unbiased consultant on our own. And no one besides those same two councilmembers, Briggs and Wazny, has asked our city attorney to interpret our city charter’s ambiguous policy on new utilities in a way that enables us to vote on this matter. While the Statesman article claims that Austin could take up to a year to settle the gas plant controversy, here in Denton a mid-December vote on the issue seems imminent. Reduced fees for gas providers are on the agenda for the first city council meeting of December, a decision that seems suspiciously timed to coordinate with a holiday season decision on the gas plants—a time of year where most people’s minds are set on uplifting Dickensian carols and shopping rather than methane emissions and gloomy tales of two cities. The prospects look gloomy from the perspective of Denton’s Ghost of Environmental & Fiscal Future, but all hope is not lost. Our time is running out, but we the citizens and our two best advocates on council still have a couple more weeks to convince a quorum on council to undergo a sudden December transformation—if not from the Christmas spirit alone, then for the sake of our municipal democracy.
Also see:
- Open letter to Denton City Council
- SOS from Denton Fracking Zone
- Greenwashing Denton Fracking
- What the hell Denton?
- Natural Gas Power Plant Bad Economics for Denton
- Don’t feed fracking, Denton
Update from blog owner who is not the author of this tale:
When a red herring is presented to divert from the topic. @KevinRoden #fallacious Don’t feed #fracking #Denton pic.twitter.com/ySHIicw8f0
— TXsharon (@TXsharon) November 29, 2015
I did not write that. But it's admirable research. Who knew the renewable consultants are oil & gas? Did you? https://t.co/6xHztizlq9
— TXsharon (@TXsharon) November 29, 2015
About Sharon Wilson
Sharon Wilson is considered a leading citizen expert on the impacts of shale oil and gas extraction. She is the go-to person whether it’s top EPA officials from D.C., national and international news networks, or residents facing the shock of eminent domain and the devastating environmental effects of natural gas development in their backyards.
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Larry says
“cities consulting with [TREIA] for energy advice are the municipal equivalent of those parents who choose to rely on the toll-free number on the back of an infant formula bottle or baby-food jar for advice on their child’s nutrition. “
Love this analogy
TXsharon says
That’s all Chuck.
James Orenstein says
I am a volunteer solar advocate & TREIA member, & have never heard them promote anything other than renewable energy. I contacted them & received the following response, & encourage anyone who questions it to contact them yourself or look into their long history of promoting renewable energy in Texas:
“TREIA does not advocate for Natural Gas in any way shape or form. Mr. Hoffmeister was invited by the committee to speak at the conference regarding the inevitability of renewables on the grid and the challenges of the legacy industry (both culturally and technically) in their adoption. TREIA is not endorsing any plan and, in fact, has transitioned as an organization away from political action to an information hub on Texas sustainable energy.”
From: Mark Sanders, Executive Director, TREIA
O: (512) 345-5446
admin@treia.org
http://www.treia.org/what-is-treia/
By the way, they changed their name last year to Texas Renewable Energy Industry Alliance.
TXsharon says
The blog post was written by a Denton Resident. I do not have the time right now to conduct such research.
I have offered Mark Sanders the same space for a rebuttal. He did herald Austin’s energy plan as a success. No success story can include building more fossil fuel power plants.
Chuck "Gas Plant" Dickens says
Dear Sirs Orenstein and Sanders,
Apologies, Dear Sirs, for referring to TREIA as Texas Renewable Energy Industry “Association,” when it is in fact, as you say, the Texas Renewable Energy Industry “Alliance.” It is most definitely an alliance, not an association, and I apologize profusely for the misleading typographical error.
It seems that you do not dispute the facts of my argument about TREIA, only my interpretation of the facts. I am certain, Good Sirs, that there are a number of members and member organizations involved in TREIA well aware of the harm being done to our environmental and physiological health by the natural gas industry, and that are only interested in promoting renewables. However, I maintain steadfast in my opinion that as long as TREIA continues to invite oil & gas interests to headline and participate in their conferences, and as long as they approve of new gas plant plus renewables municipal electricity solutions like the strikingly similar ones being proposed by Austin and Denton, anyone interested in divorcing themselves from ALL fossil fuels (natural gas & fracking, as well as coal) would be well advised to stay away from TREIA. TREIA does assist renewable companies, that cannot be denied. But they also assist Big Oil & Gas as well. Assisting both renewable and natural gas interests is not illegal, mind you; it is in fact exceedingly well-rounded and highly worthy of the term “alliance”! I feel strongly, however, that TREIA’s formation of mutually beneficial corporate alliances between renewable and natural gas businesses, should be seen as a giant “red flag” in the eyes of publicly owned municipal electric providers seeking less hazardous energy solutions that best serve the interests of their citizen owners and customers, rather than the interests of the private industries (renewable and gassy alike) that might stand to benefit financially.
I invite you to converse with me on the subject in this open forum so that Ms. Wilson’s readers can benefit from our dialogue. I hope that I have not hurt your feelings or damaged your relationship with renewable companies in any way. Perhaps I have even gotten you some new business! To make myself perfectly clear, I will say now for the record that renewable companies most certainly DO stand to profit financially from membership in TREIA; and I would encourage any renewable company interested in networking with other energy providers to join TREIA, on the one condition that those renewable companies don’t mind indirectly associating themselves with the oil & gas industry and sitting through keynote speeches from invited speakers from the oil and gas industry who are known fracking apologists (although I suspect that one could easily attend the conference and skip out the gassier speakers and panels, attending only those panels, talks, and events promoting 100% renewables; however in choosing to do so one would also have to reconcile oneself and one’s potential customers to the fact that one was contributing money to an organization representing the interests of both renewable and gassy energy businesses). Whatever floats your boat, as they say! To each his own, etc. It is, as they say, a free country.
As for TREIA’s 2015 keynote speaker, John Hofmeister (the former president of Shell Oil), I would love to see a video of his 2015 TREIA address if you wouldn’t mind posting it here on the lovely Ms. Sharon Wilson’s blog. In the meantime, I advise Ms. Wilson’s readers to Google “Hofmeister fracking” and read the results. Look him up on Youtube too, if you have the time.
Here’s a clip I found of him speaking on the Charlie Rose show:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv5bcz6ILCc
Your humble servant,
Charles “Gas Plant” Dickens
The pen name of a guest blogger who lives in Denton, Texas, and has no ties to industry of any kind: renewable, gassy, or otherwise.
TXsharon says
Whoa! That interview is disturbing. Scaremongering much?
Let’s talk about fracking as an urban disturbance.
Chuck "Gas Plant" Dickens says
Indeed! I find the way Sir Hofmeister speaks of “The Hood” in that interview to be appallingly racist and insulting, not to mention ignorant. But perhaps I am being too touchy. I am, after all, a sensitive soul.
Chuck "Gas Plant" Dickens says
Dearest Sharon,
May I call you Sharon?
I may? Oh thank you, dear and lovely madam Sharon. Thank you kindly.
I am writing a second note to your blog today because the computer I am using tells me that my comment is “awaiting moderation,” which reminded me that I too am “awaiting” an answer to my recent request to you for a date with yours truly, for a dinner of shepherd’s pie and ale at the Abbey Inn in downtown Denton. Afterwards, we could walk around the courthouse several times, and you could educate me on local history. I searched for you in vain at last night’s wassail fest on the square, but could not find your lovely face amongst the vigorous holiday crowd. It was a lovely night, and the Christmas tree was splendid, but without you there by my side, I’m sorry to say that my wassail tasted of this old bachelor’s tears.
Thank you for agreeing to be the patron of my words, dear Sharon, even if you consent not to my wish for you to be the patron of my heart as well.
A devoted servant, for ever and always, to your immaculate loveliness, fearless truth-telling, and invaluable environmental insight,
Chuck
p.s. Post this comment publicly if you wish, or choose not to if you do not wish to make a mockery of your fine blog. That is up to you. I myself have no wish to hide my love for you from the general public, but you might not be so open about my feelings as I am, and that is your right.
TXsharon says
Dear Chuck,
I’m a vegetarian. Does shepherd’s pie have a vegetarian option? Never mind though because Abbey Inn has the coldest beer on the planet so we’re on, dude.
After your second comment is approve, you can post as many comments as you like without waiting for moderation.
Chuck "Gas Plant" Dickens says
Be still my beating heart! Oh joy, oh joy, oh joy. Thank you, oh thank you, dear woman, for answering this poor old bachelor’s prayers. My heart leaps up, and my beard bristles with anticipation.
Regarding the shepherd’s pie, I have just received official confirmation from the good chefs at Abbey Inn that there are no actual shepherds in shepherd’s pie, if that is your concern. I have often wondered why there are no shepherds in Denton, and so few sheep, tended or feral. I had always supposed it had something to do with all the development, especially around the Rayzor Ranch area. Your question, however, made me suddenly uneasy on the subject of cannibalism, which is why I consulted the good folks at Abbey Inn just now to allay my fears. Their answer was a most happy one, as I mention above. But I am sorry to say, for your sake, that there are other meats in their shepherd’s pie, unfortunately, so I’m afraid we will be dining on their scrumptious salads instead and regardless.
Perhaps, when the “Buc-ee’s” opens on the Loop, I will take you there for a Beaver Nugget, which I am told is 100% beaver-free and meat-free –a statistic that applies to the general area as well, since there is very little natural wood in the area for beavers to gnaw on.
One more thing, before taking leave of you for today, and that is to say that if we are to be dating in a romantic fashion, that I plan to respect your honour and reputation most thoroughly. Rest assured, dear madam, that as a matter of principle I do not kiss until after the 291st date. For confirmation on this point, just ask the former Mrs. Dickens (still in England) for whom my chastity was her chief grounds for the annulment of our marriage of 243 days, which, as you must know, was my reason for moving to Denton in the first place, where I heard that property values were low in certain areas because of all the fracking.
I will try, from now on, to limit my personal correspondence with you to telegram so as not to bore your readers, distract from your environmental writings, or accidentally let slip any information that might compromise my true identity and my discreet and ascetic life-style, which the former Mrs. Dickens referred to (quite unkindly, I must say) in our annulment proceedings as “anti-social.”
Adieu and anon,
Chuck
p.s. When we finally do meet in person, my dearest, I will tell you my real name, but you must promise to reveal it to no one. Promise too that you will refrain from laughing or wrinkling your lovely nose when you hear it. It is multi-syllabic, notoriously difficult to pronounce, and sounds alternately like an antiquated Japanese word for scrub-brush and the Flemish word for goat, depending on whether you choose to accent the first or third syllable. As a consequence, I have taken a Dickensian pseudonym (as a tribute to my love of all things Charles Dickens) and avoid traveling in Japan and Belgium if I can at all help it, which I sometimes can’t since my weak constitution compels me from time to time to escape all of this fracking here in Denton and there are only a limited number of places one can travel to on this planet where a gentleman like myself can find a nice cold glass of ale, the warm blanket of anonymity, and a fully furnished room with a view.
TXsharon says
If you are looking for anonymity in Denton I’m the wrong gal. I’m infamous in those parts. We can meet, sit in separate booths and pass notes. 😉
I won’t be eating any Bucees nuggets. The only thing I ever do at a Bucees is visit the crappers. When they open the one in Denton, I plan on taking a few hundred friends to do the same at the same time.
Chuck "Gas Plant" Dickens says
It’s a plan then, dear madam. Looking forward to it immensely, especially the chaste and covert seating arrangements, followed by the collective visit to the Buc-ee’s “crappers.”
Your humble servant,
Chuck
Larry says
I’m captivated with the dialogue between Sure Shootin’ Sharon and “Gas Plant” Dickens. Never thought I’d like my fracking/global warming blogs with a dash of soap opera romance. 🙂
Chuck "Gas Plant" Dickens says
Your amusement flatters me to no end, Mr. Larry Beck. I have long been a most humble admirer of your righteous words and actions written and enacted in advocacy for your fellow citizens and for this good city of ours in DRC, P&Z, and in other fine Dentonian institutions, including your own excellent blog, of which I am a regular reader.
If the opportunity ever presents itself, which I suspect it may, I hope you will consider communicating my findings on TREIA and Navigant (if not my private amours) to the parliamentarians of Denton city hall, though in a manner more conducive to twenty-first century political discourse than my own antiquated prose style, which does not lend itself well to three-minute citizens’ comments, and is even less compatible with those “Power Pointe” presentations, which condense vast seashores of knowledge into single grains of semi-literate sand. I would put those good chaps on council to sleep with all my tiresome verbiage, I’m afraid; though I suspect the two illustrious ladies of council would insist on patiently wading through my dusty old words to get to the heart of the matter, would they not? Ah yes, the Fair Sex is, I believe, the smarter sex; of that I have no doubt. Intelligent gentlemen like you and I do our own intellects no injustice to admit it. Nay, we do our good mothers and sisters proud, as we are but the products of their brilliance, and if we can prove ourselves in our lifetimes to contain even a trace of their wisdom, wit, and good sense then we can hold our heads high and be proud.
I am, good sir,
Your most humble and devoted servant,
Chuck “Gas Plant” Dickens,
Exposer of Gassy Industry,
and eternally admiring friend to The Fair Ms. Wilson and the good citizens of Denton, Texas,
where I currently reside
Larry says
I empathize Chuck. It’s taken a while for me but I am much better able now to whittle down my more verbose commentaries to something that can be digested by those with mild ADD.
Chuck "Gas Plant" Dickens says
Well done, Larry! Well done, I say! Bravo, good Sir. Well done. For the record, I will have you know that upon my recent arrival in the United States of America, I emailed the estate of Earnest Hemingway to apply for lessons on minimalism. I was devastated to hear, however, that the author of _Farewell to Arms_ has been dead now for many years, and so has his masterfully compressed prose style. Alas. Your humble and depressed admirer, damned as I am to eternal verbosity and inhallation of methane gases, Chuck “Gas Plant” Dickens